My hubby's point of view...fatherhood

He posted this today on his myspace blog, and I just had to share.


I have developed a new tick…or a twitch if you will. When my wife gets stressed about money, time, the ex, etc, her eye starts to twitch uncontrollably. I have only experienced this symptom a couple of times in my life. All were high stress occasions and merited such a reaction. However, the last three weeks this has been happening frequently throughout the day. After discussing it and dissecting the possible triggers or changes in my life I think I have figured it out. I am excited, pensive, concerned, freaked out, about becoming a father. You can throw a lot of other emotions in there as well but it all comes down to the fact that no other decision in my life could quite possibly have such a long lasting and permanent effect on me. And that is a good thing!

For any one who knew me back in the day I was going to be the eternal bachelor. I was the listless wandering soul that worked, lived, and traveled with carefree abandon. I had many superficial friendships mixed in with some long term relationships. But even those long term relationships were merely arrangements of convenience. When it stopped working I would either quit it or make it self destruct until it went away. I could pack up my toothbrush, CDs, and emotions and move along to the next chapter in my life with little need for closure. I would never be tied down and in the words of Shakespeare…

"That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor."

My wife has two children from a previous marriage. I have had the privilege of knowing both of the gusanos since they were born. I am close to them and feel that I have a positive influence on them. I provide and look after them as if they were my own. I am a practicing father. But they have their real father that is responsible and available to them and plays his role as well. I am happy for the arrangement and that their lives have not been so fractured by losing a parent due to circumstance.

After my wife and I married we discussed the possibility of having another. One of our own. One of mine. I worried that saying "No" now while we are relatively young would only lead to regret five or ten year down the road and starting then would be much more challenging. I mean understand the math here…as of now we will be 40 and 43 when the youngest is 18. Still in our prime as far as I am concerned. So if we start now we are only pushing that back by 5 years. St

We are now looking towards trying in earnest to conceive around August/September. We are still practicing our technique so that we do not get rusty. And for those of us that know us well, please understand that when we are out late and she is pounding margaritas while I tell you all that we are having a baby, realize that I am referring to the future and not the present. She wanted me to add that so that you guys at the bar will stop giving her strange looks.

All this being said I have realized the permanence of this pursuit. I am quickly becoming aware of fact that 32 years later I am still around to worry my parents and ask them for advice. For 18 years I was on the family payroll full time and for another 4 years part time. Even in my mid 20s they bailed me out of a couple of situations. They still celebrate my birthday, worry when I don't call often enough, and request a visit more than twice a year. And I am still influenced by what they taught me and how they raised me everyday. I look at them age and wonder what I will be like then. I realize my Dad was about the same age I am when I was born and I wonder. I wonder if he was as scared as I am of being a good parent. I wonder if my child will look at me with the same sense of wonder because he was so wise. I wonder if I will be able to privately contemplate and help correct the failures of myself as a parent and my child. I wonder if I will sufficiently celebrate the successes and the achievements of the child that we create. Will I be a satisfactory parent…or will I be a superb parent. I told my father a while back, "If I could be half the father to my child/ren that you were to me I would fell like I was a success." This still holds true in my mind.

I am as prepared for this as I think I ever will be. I have the advantage of having a loving wife that is also an amazing mother. Most of all she has experience in handling these matters. I am sure she will spend more time teaching me what to do and not to do. The what, when, why, and where of newborns. I have always said if they could come out at 3 years old I would be fine. It is that 0-3 year old stage that I have the least experience with and honestly, freaks me out.

I guess we will see where this new chapter in life will lead. What I do know is that my toothbrush requires an electrical outlet, I rarely listen to my CDs anymore, my emotions for my wife and having a child will not fit into any box, and the closure I have achieved is realizing that I will no longer have the option of simply walking away any longer…because there will always be a little part of me following in my footsteps learning from my every action.