New beginnings

There comes a time in your life when you have to shed all the of the toxic parts of your life and start over again with a fresh slate.

Have you ever noticed how you can have friends that you love dearly but they are just not who you need in your life? They may be wonderful people but for some reason their friendship with you just makes you miserable. They are like dementors and suck all the happy out of your life, even though they aren't trying too.  Its just like their personalities don't mesh with what you need in your own life.

I have a tendency to hold on to all of my friends no matter how they treat me.  I like to find the good in everyone. I know that no matter how well you think you know a person, you never truly know what it feels like to walk in their shoes. Because of that, I have always searched my hardest to find the good in everyone.

But while I was holding on to everyone, I didn't realize how much these friends were pulling me down. I  would give and give but then not get much back in return. Not that I needed much, but sometimes you just need something back.  When I did get those little bits back, I clung on to them with all my might. I was hungry for it.

So as I was weaning off of my meds, I started to really look at my friends to see who was helping and who was hurting my recovery.  I stepped away from everyone except my family, and then I slowly integrated friends back in. The friends who did not cause me additional stress and anxiety stayed at the top of the list and the other friends slowly started moving towards the bottom.

The friends who caused me the stress and anxiety weren't bad people, I found I was just an enabler to their bad behavior. I was like a sponge that soaked up all the negative they had to put out into the universe. After they would talk to me, they felt better and I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. The relationships were not healthy on either side.

I had been so surrounded by drama, some real and some manufactured, that I didn't know what it felt like to have a life free of drama that wasn't mine. I had more than enough stress, that I didn't need anymore of it. I had lost all of my positive views.

When I finally cut off the friendships that were causing me stress and anxiety, my own depression and anxiety lifted. I surrounded myself with people that were positive and encouraging.

Now since going through all of these life changes, I have learned how to rely almost all on myself. I realized that I am the only person I can truly count on. That may not be the healthiest view, but with my all of experiences I found that I could not count on the people I thought were really my friends.

Once again these people are not bad people but just not what I need in my life at this moment. Maybe at some point in the future we will all be healed enough to be friends again.

I have surrounded myself with a small group of friends that I feel comfortable with. People who are there no matter what.  I have also started to reconnect with old friends I had not spoken with for a while. I am thankful for all the people I have had in my life, good and bad. I have learned from all of those people how to be a better person. I will take what I have learned and hopefully pass it on to my kids.

Sending big hugs to all of you. You know who you are. Yes, even you!